FN-FORUM: Fw: OT: Tony's "To Do" List

date posted 16th May 2007 23:16



> (A secret Downing Street memo leaked to the The Independent.)
>
>
> 1. Buy top-floor flat in Whitehall with view of Downing Street and
> install hyper-broadband for special red Blairphone connected to
> No. 11 only, in case Gordon needs any help. Discuss with Gordon
> the possibility of installing a Blairsignal on top of House of
> Commons, in case I am VERY urgently needed and other modes of
> communication fail.
>
> 2. For first act as Ex-Prime Minister Ex-Portfolio (shorten to
> X-Man?), broker peace in the Middle East by getting everyone to
> sit down around a table and drink tea together, just like we did
> in Belfast. Because, hey, most people who have actually dealt with
> them agree that Hizbullah and Mossad are pretty straight kind of
> guys.
>
> 3. Tell Gordon... I mean, suggest to Gordon that I plan to... I
> mean, I would like to, continue to use Chequers for top-level
> briefings with major international political figures since he is
> too po-faced... I mean, puritanical... I mean, hard-working to
> deign... I mean, need to use the Prime Ministerial country
> residence.
>
> 4. Organise major charity concert, possibly called Ugly Rumours of
> Aid, at new Wembley stadium (a New Labour triumph) featuring
> supergroup of Sir Cliff Richard (vocals), Phil Collins (drums),
> Bill Wyman (bass), Bill Clinton (horn) and T Blair (guitar) to
> raise funds to heal the wounds of Africa. Because, y'know, what's
> going on over there is pretty terrible.
>
> 4. Put out feelers to Hillary Clinton (more than Bill ever did!)
> to find out the going rate for addressing Democratic Party Caucus
> and saying I knew Bush was wrong all along (similar feelers to
> Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and, er, all the other ones).
>
> 5. Organise major balloon endurance race called Grin and Hot Air
> It to draw attention to problems of global warming - T Blair and
> Sir Richard Branson to see who can stay in the air longest while
> maintaining a dazzling, charming smile.
>
> 6. Launch own clothing line through TopMan - possibly called Top
> PM Man - including reversible red and blue tie, sweatproof blue
> shirt (with saucy lady cuff detail), eye-catching surf-style
> bathing shorts for the mature man, and the executive, stain-proof
> Statesman suit (nothing sticks to it!) complete with built-in,
> hand-of-destiny-on-my-shoulderpads.
>
> 7. Write book entitled 'Hey, Y'Know What? You Really CAN Have It
> All: The Third Way To a Happy Marriage', explaining that a woman
> can have a career and kids as long as both partners are equally
> high-flying and she agrees to renounce her own political
> ambitions.
>
> 8. Challenge John Major to a game of tennis. Win.
>
> 9. Bury weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Become weapons
> inspector. Find them. (NB - check with Alastair exactly which kind
> of WMD can reach Britain in 45 minutes.)
>
> 10. Order takeaway pizzas from five different firms to be
> delivered at 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am and 6.55am to Mr G Brown, 11
> Downing Street, on 28 July. Just, y'know, as a joke. He needs to
> lighten up!
>
> 11. Google myself on 28 July. Google Gordon. Compare results.
>
> 12. Go round and see Lord Browne to find out how he's getting on.
>
> 13. Buy Linguaphone Teach-Yourself-German course so I can post
> messages on YouTube for Angela Merkel, just like I did for Mr
> Sarkozy.
>
> 14. Ring Ken Livingstone and say, "Hey, can't we draw a line in
> the sand now?"
>
> 15. Buy house in David Cameron's constituency and register to vote
> there. For fun.
>
> 16. Read Leo a story.
>
> 17. Fix that squeaky board on the landing at Connaught Square.
>
> 18. Order brochure from Saga.
>
> 19. Join local library.
>
> 20. Tidy sock drawer.
>


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